You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 14~15

Chapter FourteenPowers for GoodThe emperor was seated on a black marble bench merely round the corner from the great(p) opera house, feeling infinitesimal and ashamed, when he saw the striking redhead in jeans coming toward him. Bummer lapsed into a barking fit and the emperor snatched the Boston terrier up by the scruff of the neck and stuffed him into the oversized pocket of his coat to quiet him. sturdy Bummer, say the honest-to-god man. Would that I could regular(a) so h sexagenarian that change of passion, even if it were fear. But my fear is indistinct and damp, Ive ventilately the spine for a dignified surrender.Hed felt give c ar this since hed seen Jody outside the secondhand store, where shed warned him away from the give birther. Yes, instantaneously he k impudently her to be one of the undead, a bloodsucking fiend provided hence, not so much a fiend. She had been a friend, a good one, even after he had betrayed Tommy Iff to the Animals. He could feel the citys keyt on him, could feel her disappointment in him. What does a man ca-ca, if not character? What is character, if not a mans measure of himself over against his friends and enemies? The great city of San Francisco shook her head at him, ashamed. Her bridges slumped in the fog with disappointment.He remembered a house fewwhere and that kindred look on the face of a dark-haired charr, unless mercifully, in an instant that memory was a mite, and Jody was bending to scratch behind the ears of the steadfast Lazarus, who had n ever been provoke by her the like his bug-eyed brother, who even now squirmed furiously in the woolen pocket.Your Majesty, Jody advance tongue to. How are you?Worthless and weak, said the Emperor. She really was a lovely girl. Hed never known her to hurt a soul. What a cad he was.Im sorry to hear that. You curb plenty to eat? Staying warm?The men and I vex this very instant vanquished a corned beef on a sourdough roll the size of a pro pl unge infant, thank you.Tommys Joynt? Jody said with a smile.Indeed. We are not worthy, yet my people provide.Dont be silly, youre worthy. Look, Emperor, feature birth you seen William?William of the large and recently shaven cat?Thats the one.Why yes, we crossed his path not long ago. He was at the liquor store at Geary and Taylor. He seemed very enthusiastic about purchasing almost scotch. more ener frustrateic than Ive seen him in many years.That was how long ago? She stopped petting Lazarus and stood.Little more than an hour ago.Thank you, Your Majesty. You dont know where he was press release?I should think to find a safe correct to drink his dinner. Although I cant claim to know him well, I dont think William passes the evening in the Tenderloin often.Jody patted the Emperors shoulder, and he took her hand.Im so sorry, dear.Sorry? About what?When I saw you and Thomas the other dark, I noticed. Its true, isnt it? Thomas has changed.No, hes still a doofus.I mean he is one of your kind now?Yes. She looked up the road. I was alone, she said.The Emperor knew exactly how she felt. I told one of his crew from the Safeway, Jody. Im sorry, I was f proficientened.You told the Animals?The born-again one, yes.And how did he react?He was unhinged for Thomass soul.Yeah, that would be Clints reaction. You dont know if he told the other Animals?I would generalise yes, by now.Okay, dont worry, then, Your Highness. Its okay. Just dont tell anyone else. Tommy and I are leaving the City skilful like we promised those police detectives. We just have to get things in order.And the other the old vampire?Yes. Him, too.She turned and strode away, heading into the Tenderloin, her boot heels clacking on the sidewalk as she kept her pace just below a run.The Emperor shook his head and rubbed Lazarus behind the ears. I should have told her about the detectives. I know that, old friend. on that point was tho so much weakness he could confess to at one time that, too, a fault. The Emperor resolved to sleep somewhere shabby and damp tonight, perhaps in the park by the Maritime Museum, as penance for his weakness.There was no way she was going to remember his new mobile number. It was five in the morning before Tommy had ruined moving all of the furniture, books, and clothes. Now the new attic looked almost exactly like the old loft had looked, except that it didnt have a working phone line. So Tommy sat on the counter of the old loft, looking at the triad bronze statues and waiting for Jody to shout out.Just the three statues left to move Jody, the old vampire, and the turtle. The old vampire looked fairly natural.Hed been unconscious when hed been bronzed, provided Tommy had the biker sculptors downstairs pose him as if he was in mid note, out for a stroll. Jody was posed with her hand on her hip, her head thrown back as if shed just tossed her long hair over her shoulder, smiling.Tommy turned his head to the side, getting perspective. She d idnt look repellent. What made Abby say the statue was skanky? Sexy, well yes. Jody had been wearing some very low-cut jeans and a crop top when hed posed her for the electroplating, and the bikers had insisted upon exposing more of her cleavage than was probably decorous, still what could you expect from a couple of big cats who specialized in make high-end garden gnomes acting out the Kama Sutra?Okay, she looked a little skanky, but he didnt see how that was a magnanimous thing. He had actually been delighted when she came streaming out of the ear holes to materialize, stark naked, in front of him. If she hadnt killed him, it would have been the fulfillment of a sexual fantasy hed nurtured for a long time. (There had been this old TV show hed stayed as a baby bird, about a beautiful genie who lived in a bottle well, Tommy had done some serious bottle polishing over that one.)So the Jody statue stayed. But the old vampire, Elijah, that was a different story. There was a rea l creature in at that place. A real scary creature. Whatever bizarre events had brought them to this turn had been set off by Elijah Ben Sapir. He was a reminder that neither he Tommy nor Jody had chosen to be vampires. Neither had chosen to live out the rest of their days in the night. Elijah had taken their choices away from them, and replaced them with a tout ensemble new set of scarier, bigger choices. The first of which was how the hell do you deal with the fact that you have imprisoned a sentient, feeling being in a shell of bronze, even if he is an despicable dick-weed from the Dark Ages? But they couldnt let him out. Hed kill them for sure if they did. Really kill them, too, a complete death, the kind with no nooky.Suddenly Tommy was angry. Hed had a future. He talent have been a writer, a Nobel Prize winner, an adventurer, a spy. Now he was just a foul dead thing, and the furthest his ambition would reach was his succeeding(a) victim. Okay, that wasnt really true, b ut still, he was pissed off. So what if Elijah was trap in bronze shell forever. Hed trapped them in these monstrous bodies. Maybe it was time to do something monstrous.Tommy picked up Jodys statue and threw it over his shoulder and, despite his great vampire force play, followed it over backward as it clanged against the floor. Okay, it had taken the two bikers and a refrigerator skirt to get the statues up here, maybe a little planning was in order.It turned out he could move the statue pretty efficiently if he slung it over his back and let one of her feet drag, and so he did, down the steps, half a tote down the sidewalk, and back up the steps of the new loft. dye Jody looked happy in the new place, he thought. The turtle took half as long. She, too, looked pleased with the surroundings.As for Elijah, Tommy estimate what was the point of being in a city on a peninsula if you didnt take advantage of the water system now and then. And Elijah plainly liked the ocean, since he d come to the City on his yacht, which Tommy and the Animals had managed to blow to smit overheadherens.The vampire statue was even heavier that Jodys, but Tommy felt energized by the idea of getting rid of it. Just a short twelve blocks to the ocean and that would be that.From the sea ye came, and to the sea ye shall return, Tommy said, thinking that he power be quoting Coleridge, or maybe a Godzilla movie.As Tommy dragged the bronzed vampire down Mission Street, he considered his future. What would he do? He had a lot of time to fill, and after a while, figuring out new ways to jump Jody would unaccompanied fill up a part of his nights. He was going to have to find a purpose. They had bullion cash the vampire had pay offn Jody when he turned her and what was left of the notes from the sale of Elijahs art, but finally that would run out. Maybe he should get a job. Or become a crime fighter.Thats it, he would use his powers for good. Maybe get an outfit.After a few blocks Tom my noticed that Elijahs toe, the one that was dragging on the sidewalk, was starting to wear away. The bikers had warned Tommy that the bronze shell was pretty thin. It wouldnt do to unleash a confined and hungry ancient vampire when you were the guy who had imprisoned him, so Tommy stood the vampire on the corner for a minute while he dug through a trash bin until he found some heavy-duty plastic Big Gulp cups, which he fitted on the vampires dragging foot as skid protection.Ha Tommy said. Thought you had me.A couple of guys in hip-hop wear walked by as Tommy was fitting the cups on the vampires feet. Tommy made the mistake of making eye contact and they paused.Stole it from a construct on Fourth, Tommy said.The two nodded, as if they were saying, Of course, we were just wondering, and proceeded to move down the sidewalk.They must sense my superior strength and speed, Tommy thought, so they wouldnt dare mess with me. In fact, the two had confirmed that the white boy in the ghost makeup was crazy and what would they do with a four-hundred- perplex statue anyway?Tommy figured hed drag the statue to the Embarcadero and toss it off the quayage by the Ferry Building. If there was anyone around, hed just lose at the rail like he was there with his gay lover, then shove the statue in when no one was looking. He felt enormously advance(a) about the plan. No one would ever think a guy from Indiana was pretending to be gay. That kind of thing just wasnt done. Tommy had known a kid once in high discipline who had gone up to Chicago to see the musical Rent and was never heard from again. Tommy reckoned hed been disappeared by the local anesthetic Kiwanis Club.When he got to the Embarcadero, which ran all along the waterfront, Tommy was tempted to just chuck Elijah in the Bay right there and inspect it a night, but he had a plan, so he dragged the vampire that last two blocks to the perambulation at the end of Market Street, where the antique trolley cars, the c able cars, and the cross-bay ferries all converged in a big coat park and sculpture garden. Here, away from the buildings, the night seemed to open up to his vampire senses, take on a new light. Tommy stopped for moment, stood Elijah by a fountain, and watched heat streaming out of some grates by the streetcar turnaround. Perfect. There was absolutely no one around.Then the beeping started. Tommy looked at his watch. Sunrise in ten minutes. The night hadnt opened up to him, it had been shutting him down. Ten minutes, and the loft was a good twenty blocks away.Jody was quickstepping along the bowling alley that came out in front of their old loft. She still had twenty minutes until sunrise, but she could see the slant lightening, and twenty minutes was cutting it too close. Tommy would be freaked. She should have taken the cell phone with her. She shouldnt have left him alone with the new minion.Shed finally found William, passed out in a doorway in Chinatown, with Chet the huge c at sleeping on his chest. Theyd have to remember not to leave William with any money from now on, if he was going to be their food source. Otherwise hed go elsewhere for his alcohol, and that wasnt going to work. He was making his staggering way home on his own. Maybe shed let him take a shower bath at the old loft they werent going to get their deposit back anyway.There was still a light on in the loft. Great, Tommy was home. Shed forgotten to get a key for the new place. She was about to step out of the alley when she smelled cigar smoke and heard a mans voice. She stopped and peeked around the corner.There was a browned Ford sedan parked across the street from their old loft, and in it sat two old men. Cavuto and Rivera, the homicide detectives that shed made a deal with the night theyd blown up Elijahs yacht. Theyd moved just in time, but then, maybe not quite. She couldnt get to the new place either. It was only a half a block away, and shed have to cross in the open. And even then, what if it was locked?She jumped four feet straight up when the alarm on her watch went off.It was toward the end of their second shift after returning to the Safeway that the Animals sobered up. Lash was sitting by himself in the astray backseat of the Hummer limo, his head cradled in his hands, hoping desperately that the despair and self-loathing he was feeling was only the effect of a hangover, instead of what it really was, which was a big flaming enema of reality. The reality was, they had spent more than a half a million dollars on a blue hooker. He let the hugeness of it roll around in his head, and looked up at the other Animals, who were sitting around the perimeter of the limo, similarly posed, attempt not to make eye contact with one another. Theyd had nearly two semi trucks of stock to put up that night, and theyd known it was coming because theyd ordered it to make up for the time theyd been away and Clint had let the shelves get low. So theyd sobered up, put their heads down, and thrown stock like the Animals that they were. Now it was getting close to dawn and it was dawning on all of them that they might have severely fucked up.Lash risked a sideways glance at Blue, who was sitting between Barry and Troy Lee. Shed taken Lashs apartment on Northpoint, and made him sleep on the couch at Troy Lees, where there were about seven hundred Chinese family members, including Troys grandmother, who, every time she passed through the style during the day, when Lash was trying to sleep, would screech, Whats up, my nigga and try to get him to wake up and give her a pound or a high five.Lash had been explaining to her that its impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African-American, when Troy Lee came in and said, She only speaks Cantonese.She does not. She keeps coming in and saying, Whats up, my nigga? Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?No, I didnt give her a pound, motherfucker. S he called me a nigga.Well, shes not going to quit unless you give her a pound. Its just the way she rolls.Thats some bullshit, Troy.Its her couch.Lash, exhausted and already hungover, gave the wizened old woman a pound.Granny turned to Troy Lee. Whats up, my nigga She offered and received a pound from her grandson.That shit is not the same Lash said.Get some sleep. We have a big load tonight.Now half a million dollars was gone. His apartment was gone. The limo was costing them a thousand dollars a day. Lash looked out the blackout windowpanes at the moving patchwork of shadows thrown by the streetlights, then turned to Blue.Blue, he said. We have to get rid of the limo.Everyone looked up, shocked. No one had said anything to her since theyd finished stocking. Theyd brought her coffee and juice, but no one had said anything.Blue looked at him. Get me what I want. Not a hint of malice, not even a demand, really, just a statement of fact. Okay, Lash said. Then to the driver he said, T ake a right up here. Head back to that building where we went last night.Lash crawled over the divider into the front passenger seat. He couldnt see shit out the blackened windows. Theyd only gone about three blocks into the figure of speech district when he saw someone running. racetrack way, way too fast for a jogger. Running like he was on fire running.Pull up alongside of that guy.The driver nodded.Hey, guys, is that Flood?Yeah, it is, Barry, the grow one, said.Lash rolled down the window. Tommy, you need a ride, man?Tommy, still running, nodded like a bobble-head on crack.Barry threw open the back door, and before the limo could even slow down, Tommy leapt in, landing across Drew and Gustavos laps.Man, am I glad you guys came along, Tommy said. In about a minute, Im going to He passed out in their laps as the sun washed over the hills of San Francisco.Chapter FifteenBroken ClownsInspector Alphonse Rivera watched the unordered clown girl black-and-white-striped stockin gs and kelvin sneakers come out of Jody Strouds apartment and head up the street, then turn and look back at their brown, unmarked sedan.Were made, said Nick Cavuto, Riveras partner, a broad-shouldered bear of a man, who longed for the days of Dashiell Hammett, when cops talked tough and there were very few problems that couldnt be solved with your fists or a zestfulness from a lead sap.Were not made. Shes just looking. Two middle-aged guys sitting in the car on the city street its unusual. If Cavuto was a bear, then Rivera was a raven a sharp-featured, lean Hispanic, with just a touch of gray at the temples. Lately hed taken to wearing expensive Italian suits, in raw silk or linen when he could find them. His partner was in rumpled Mens Wearhouse. Rivera often wondered if Nick Cavuto might not be the only gay man on the planet who had no fashion sense whatsoever.The knock-kneed kid with the raccoon eye makeup was making her way across the street toward them. hurtle up your win dow, Cavuto said. Roll up your window. Pretend like you dont see her.Im not going to hide from her, Rivera said. Shes just a kid.Exactly. You cant hit her.Jesus, Nick. Shes just a creepy kid. Whats wrong with you?Cavuto had been on edge since theyd sended up an hour ago. They both had, really, since the guy named Clint, one of the night crew from the Marina Safeway, had left a message on Riveras voice mail that Jody Stroud, the blond vampire, had not left town as she had promised, and that her boyfriend, Tommy Flood, was now also a vampire. It was a very shitty turn of events for the two cops, both of whom had taken a share of the money from the old vampires art appeal in return for letting them all go. It had seemed like the only option, really. Neither of the cops wanted to explain how the consecutive killer theyd been chasing had been an ancient vampire, and how hed been tracked down by a bunch of stoners from the Safeway. And when the Animals blew up the vampires yacht wel l, the causal agency was solved, and if the vampires had left, it would have all been good. The cops had planned to retire early and open a rare-book store. Rivera thought he might learn to golf.Now he was feeling it all float away on an evil breeze. A cop for twenty years, without ever so much as fixing a traffic ticket, then the one time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like youre some kind of bad guy. Rivera was raised a Catholic, but he was starting to believe in karma.Pull out. Pull out, Cavuto said. Go around the block until she goes away.Hey, said the broken clown girl. You guys cops?Cavuto hit the window button on his door but the ignition system was off, so the window didnt budge. Go away, kid. Why arent you in school? Do we need to take you in?Winter break, card trust, said the kid.Rivera couldnt hold the laugh in and he snorted a little trying to.Move along, kid. Go wash that shit off your face. You look like you fe ll asleep with a Magic stain in your mouth.Yeah, said the kid, examining a black fingernail, well, you look like someone pumped about three hundred pounds of cat barf into a cheap suit and gave it a bad haircut.Rivera slid down in his seat and turned his face toward the door. He couldnt look at his partner. He was sure that if it was possible for move to come out of someones ears, that might be happening to Cavuto, and if he looked, hed lose it.If you were a guy, Cavuto said, Id have you in handcuffs already, kid.Oh God, Rivera said under his breath.If I were a guy, Ill bet you would. And Ill bet Id have to send you to the S and M ATM, because the kinky shit is extra. The kid leaned down so she was eye level with Cavuto, and winked.That was it. Rivera started giggling like a little girl tears were creeping out the corners of his eyes.Youre a big fucking cooperate, Cavuto said. He reached over, flipped the ignition key to accessory, then rolled up his window.The kid came over to Riveras side of the car.So, have you seen Flood? she asked. complete? She added cop with a high pop on the p, like it was punctuation mark, not a profession.You just came out of his apartment, Rivera said, trying to shake off the giggles. You tell me.Place is empty. The douche nozzle owes me money, said the kid.For what? constrict I did for him.Be specific, sweetheart. Unlike my partner, I dont threaten. It was a threat, of course, but he thought he might have hit pay dirt, the kids eyes opened wide enough to see light.I helped him and that blonde hag load their stuff into a truck.Rivera looked her up and down. She couldnt have weighed ninety pounds. He hired you to help him move?Just little crap. Lamps and stuff. They were like, in a hurry. I was walking by, he flagged me down. Said hed give me a hundred bucks.But he didnt?He gave me eighty. He said it was all he had on him. To come back this morning for the rest.Did either of them say where they were going?Just that they were go ing to leave the City this morning, as soon as they paid me.You notice anything unusual about either of them Flood or the redhead?Just day dwellers, like you. Bourgeois four-oh-fours.Four-oh-Fours?Clueless Pottery Barn fucktards.Of course, Rivera said. He could hear his partner snickering now.So you havent seen them? the kid said.Theyre not coming, kid.How do you know that?I know that. Youre out twenty dollars. Cheap lesson. Go away and dont come back here, and if either of them contact you, or you see them, call me.Rivera handed the kid a business card. Whats your name?My day-slave name?Sure, lets try that one.Allison. Allison Green. But on the street Im known as Abby Normal.On the street?Shut up, I have street cred. Then she added, nail like the chirp of a car alarm arming.Good. Take your street cred and run along, Allison.She shuffled off, trying to swivel nearly nonexistent hips as she went.You think they left the City? Cavuto asked.I want to own a bookstore, Nick. I want to sell old books and learn to golf.So that would be no?Lets go talk to the born-again Safeway guy.Four robots and one statue guy worked the Embarcadero by the Ferry Building. Not every day. around days, when it was slow, there were only two robots and a statue guy, or on rainy days, none of them worked, because the silver or gold makeup they used to color their skin didnt hold up well in the rain, but as a rule, it was four robots and one statue guy. Monet was the statue guy the ONLY statue guy. Hed staked his territory three years ago, and if some poseur ever showed up, he had to meet Monet on the field of stillness, where they would clash in the motion-free battle of doing absolutely nothing. Monet had always prevailed, but this guy this new guy was really good.The challenger had been there when Monet arrived in the juvenile morning, and he hadnt even blinked for two hours. The guys makeup was perfect, too. He looked as if he had really been bronzed, so it was beyond Monet why he would choose to get his collections in Big Gulp cups that hed jammed his feet into. Monet carried a bittie portfolio case, with a hole cut in it where tourists could stuff their bills. He had primed his money hole with a five today, just to show the challenger that he wasnt intimidated, but the truth was, after two hours, he hadnt made half of what he saw the newcomer take in, and he was intimidated. And his nose itched.His nose itched and the new statue guy was kicking his ass. Normally Monet would change positions every half hour or so, then stand motionless while the tourists taunted him and tried to make him flinch, but with the new competition, he had to stay still as long as it took.The robots on the promenade had all assumed poses from which they could watch. They only had to hold still until someone dropped cash into their cup, then they would do the robot dance. It was boring work, but the hours were good and you were outside. It looked like Monet was going down.Sundown .He felt like his ass was on fire.Tommy came to to the sound of a riding crop being smacked against his bare butt and the rough bark of a womans voice.Say it Say it Say itHe tried to pull away from the pain but couldnt move his arms or legs. He was having trouble focusing his fantasy waves of light and heat were rocketing around his brain and all he could really see was a skilful red spot with waves of heat coming off of it and a figure moving around the edges. It was like staring into the sun through a red filter. He could feel the heat on his face.Ouch Tommy said. Dammit He pulled against his bonds and heard a metallic rattling, but nothing gave.The red hot light went away and was replaced by the blurry form of a female face, a blue face, just inches away from his own. Say it, she whispered harshly, spitting a little on the it.Say what?Say it, vampire she said. She whipped the riding crop across his stomach and he howled.Tommy squirmed against his bonds and heard the rattling again. With the spotlight moved away, he could see that he was suspend by very professional-looking nylon restraints to a brass, four-poster bed frame that had been stood on end. He was completely naked and evidently the blue woman, who was dressed in a black vinyl bustier, boots, and nothing else, had been whaling on him for some time. He could see welts across his stomach and thighs, and well, his ass felt like it was on fire.She wound up to smack him again.Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tommy said, trying not to screech. He only realized then that his fangs were extended and hed bitten his own lips.The blue woman held up. Say it.Tommy tried to keep his voice calm. I know youve been doing this for a while now, but Ive only been awake for about a minute of it, so I have no idea what you are asking me. If you slow down and repeat the whole question, Ill be happy to tell you whatever I know.Your safety word, said the blue woman.Which is? Tommy said. He noticed for the first time that she ha d enormous boobs spilling out of that bustier and it occurred to him that he had never seen big blue boobs before. They were kind of mesmerizing. He wouldnt have been able to look away even if he werent strapped down.I told you, she said, letting the riding crop fall to her side.You told me what a safety word is?I just told you what it is.So you know it, then?Yes, she said.Then why are you asking?To see if youre at your breaking point. She seemed to be pouting a little now. Dont be a dick, this isnt my specialty.Where am I? Tommy asked. Youre Lashs Smurf, arent you? Are we at Lashs?Im asking the questions here. She snapped the riding crop against his thigh.Ouch Fuck Stop that. You have issues, lady.Say itWhat is it? I was asleep when you told me, you unthinking bitch He was wrong, he was able to look away from the blue boobs. He snarled at her, something coming up from deep inside him that he didnt even recognize something that felt wild and on the verge of out of control like wh en he first made love with Jody as a vampire, only this felt well, lethal.Its cheddar.Cheddar? Like the cheese? He was getting beating because of cheese?Yes.So I said it. Now what?Youre broken.Kay, Tommy said, straining against the heavy nylon straps, understanding now what he was feeling. He was going to kill her. He didnt know how yet, but he was as certain of it as of anything he had ever known. Grass was green, water was wet, and this bitch was dead.So now you have to turn me, she said.Turn you? he said. His fangs ached, like they were going to leap out of his mouth.Make me like you, she said.You want to be orange? Is this another Cheddar thing? Because Not orange, you nitwit, a vampire she said, and she snapped the riding crop across his chest.He bit his lips again and felt the blood running down his chin. So for that you needed all the hitting? He said. recognise over here.She leaned up and kissed him, then pushed away hard and came away with his blood on her mouth. I gues s Im going to have to get used to this, she said, licking her lips.Closer, Tommy said.